When I was watching the twitch stream today
I heard Silverleaf say to Ronway
That of jokes she does lack
so let's give her a stack
of jokes she can tell, a-okay?
To begin with:
Why are pirates so mean?
They just ARRRRR!
Silverleaf, Matchstickman, and Ronway walk into a bar...
We all celebrate because we are now in a (non-American, non-British) neutral country where tacos are plentiful, pants are optional and games are free.
I once told ten jokes to try and get a sour puss to laugh, no pun in ten did.
A mosquito was heard to complain
That a chemist had poisoned his brain.
The cause of his sorrow
Was paradichloro
Diphenyltrichloroethane.
A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Equals nine squared, and no more.
Hickory dickory dock,
two mice ran up a clock,
the clock struck one,
but the other one got away.
Poor Johnny used to drink a lot,
Alas, he drinks no more.
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.
I thought you couldn't tell jokes!
Points to Bolster Allies badge
Didnt say I couldn't tell them, I said I didn't know any. I have subsequently remembered at least one…
A sodium atom walks into a bar. "Oh no!" he exclaims. "I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the barman.
"Yes," he replies. "I'm positive."
A neutron walked into a bar and asked how much for a drink. The Bartender said "For you? No charge."
Know any sodium jokes?
Na.
Two men walked into a bar.
One said "I'll have H2O."
The second said "I'll have H2O, too!"
The second one died.
Two nuetrinos walk into a bar and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." One neutrino turns to the other and tells him "That's not what he said tommorow"
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car.
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
If we're telling science jokes...
Eistein, Heisenberg, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Heisenberg and Pascal run off and hide, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly 1 meter, then sits down inside the square. When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ground, he yells, "Ha, I've found you, Newton!". Newton however replies, "No you haven't! You've found Pascal!
I was going to make a neuroscience joke, but I don't have the nerve.
So cobalt, radon, and yttrium walk into a bar...
Never mind, this joke is to CoRnY to tell here.
Erwin Schrödinger gets pulled over by a cop. He searches the car and says, "Did you know there's a dead cat in your trunk?" Schrödinger replies, "Well now I do!"
(Maths jokes ahead; you may want to just move along.)
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. In the night, small fires break out in each of their rooms. The engineer wakes up, spots the fire, and proceeds to fill a bucket with water and dump it on the fire, extinguishing it. He then goes back to sleep.
The physicist wakes up and, spotting the fire, does a few quick calculations in his head. She fills his bucket with just enough water to put out the fire and then does exactly that.
The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He looks at his bucket and his sink and goes back to sleep, satisfied that a solution exists.
A man walks into a bar, but unfortunately A-bar is closed.
That are purple and commute?
Abelian grapes!
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are each given a can of baked beans, sent into seperate rooms and told to open it.
The task-setter first checks on the engineer. There are a series of gouges in the paintwork, and the can is rather dented but undeniably open.
Then the task-setter checks on the physicist. A few equations have been scrawled on the wall, followed by a single dent. The physicist is holding an open can and smiling smugly.
Finally, the task-setter checks on the mathematician. The walls of his room are covered with equations, and on the floor sits the can, sealed, and a small pile of beans. The mathematician is nowhere to be seen. The task-setter opens the can, and out crawls the mathematician.
"I hate sign errors," he says.
Helium walks into a bar. "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases," says the barman.
Helium doesn't react.
Why are Markov chains the worst guests to have at Christmas?
They only care about the present!
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep and told to enclose them inside the smallest possible length of fence.
- The engineer is first. He makes a square fence around the sheep, declaring it to be the simplest to build.
- The physicist is next, and he creates a circular fence around the sheep, arguing that it offers the greatest area for the smallest amount of fence.
- The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he builds a circular enclosure around himself and says, "I defines myself to be outside the fence."